


Afraid.

by Kuroba_Nyx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Self-Indulgent, Third Year Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio, Third Year Tsukishima Kei, Third Year Yamaguchi Tadashi, Trust Issues, Tsukishima Kei Needs a Hug, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:39:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27149522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroba_Nyx/pseuds/Kuroba_Nyx
Summary: With you and Tsukishima being third years in Karasuno, your time there is almost over. There's this nagging feeling at the back of his head every time he thinks about it and he just ignores it. Until he couldn't.His thoughts were running wild and tears were being shed. But he would rather die than admit that to you. And it all came back to him at full force, at two in the morning.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Akiteru & Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 61
Collections: Haikyuu character x reader oneshots





	Afraid.

What _if?_

He couldn't shake that feeling off of his chest, his facade slowly slipping as he racked his brain for a contradiction, coming up empty-handed. 

_What if..._

Trying to find the words to express what he wanted to say was impossible at the moment, those two words running around ~~mocking him~~ and he hated this all too familiar feeling bubbling up from the pit of his stomach. 

_What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if_ _What if What if-_

"Tsukki?" 

Yamaguchi called, snapping the blonde out of his daze, he acknowledged the green-haired boy by looking at him. 

"Are you alright?" 

Tsukishima could see the worry in Yamaguchi's eyes 

"Yeah." 

He replied, shrugging him off. They both ~~know that was a lie~~ continued walking down the hallway until they reached their class. 

With you and Tsukishima being third years in Karasuno, your time there is almost over. There's this nagging feeling at the back of his head every time he thinks about it and he just ignores it. Until he couldn't. There was no more time to stall, in just two months, you guys will be graduating and leaving Karasuno as you go to college. 

When you two first met, Tsukishima resented you with every fiber of his being even if you were calm and collected, you rubbed him the wrong way for some reason. As time passes and pages turn, he was able to tolerate you more and more until he ended up liking you in a romantic way. To say that he was ecstatic when you told him you feel the same was an understatement for him as he knew that despite his good looks, he wasn't romantic nor affectionate, something most people want from a significant other. 

You became a constant in his life and the thought of you not being one scared him. He didn't know why he was afraid but he was. He knew that you're not the type to just suddenly give up on things so why was he afraid that you would ~~give up on him~~ give up on what you two have when you were there through all these years? There was like an invisible barrier between you and him when it comes to him talking to you about his problems. 

Tsukishima stared blankly at the piece of paper that was handed to him, it was a form for what universities he'd want to attend. 

"Oi." 

Tsukishima's head snapped in the direction of the voice. He looked up and saw that it was Kageyama. 

"What do you need, your majesty?"

The blonde said, his words lacking its bite, making Kageyama's brows furrow. 

"You're being sent home early today." 

His eyes widen at the blue-eyed boy's words. 

"And why is that? I'm perfectly fine, do you need me to prove it to you, king? And if so-" 

Kageyama gritted his teeth to stop himself from retorting as he notices how defensive Tsukishima was being and how fast he was talking, which was unusual and the bags under his eyes weren't helping his case either. In the middle of the ~~mostly~~ ~~one-sided~~ argument, Hinata discreetly asked the coach for help, coach Ukai walked over to them. 

"Tsukishima." 

The said boy flinched. 

"You don't look so good, go home early and get some sleep." 

Ukai ~~commanded~~ instructed him and he unwillingly complied. It didn't matter since he did try to sleep when he got home. 

Tsukishima woke up two hours later, he didn't know if his vision was blurry because he just woke up or because of the tears that he could now feel were on his face as he stared at the clock, showing that not much time has passed. He contemplated calling you as he turned on his phone but stopped, knowing that you don't need another problem on your shoulders, he doesn't wanna be a burden to you after all. 

The rest of the week went like that, sleep became his enemy as he keeps having nightmares that get worse and worse every time he falls into slumber. You and Tsukishima weren't able to spend much time together since you both have club activities after school, the only time you do get to spend together is when you're having lunch or walking home together, he hasn't done either of those things for the whole week in hopes that he could figure this problem out by himself before you notice it, his nightmares got worse and worse ever since they started a few weeks ago. It stung when you didn't confront him even when he knew that you knew that he was avoiding you. 

You knew Tsukishima was having a hard time expressing himself most of the time, and you thought of his avoidance as him simply needing space and you respected that, so you gave him space. 

As he was packing up for the day, he felt someone tap his shoulder. Tsukishima's eyes widened as he turned around...it was you. 

"Are we still up for later?" 

You ask him, he looked at you trying to see if you were mad for how he's been acting this week yet he couldn't find any traces of anger, sadness, nor disappointment in your tone or on your face. He nodded, not trusting his voice, knowing it may betray him if he did speak.

The two of you would usually have a sleepover every Friday at your place since your parents were rarely home, working in other parts of the country so they have their own place and you have yours. 

"See you later." You said selectively, turning around and not bothering to leave a hug like you usually do, and that bothered him even more than it should. 

You decided to take his agreement as a good sign, maybe he'll tell you what's bothering him later when it's just the two of you alone, well you're hoping he does. After practice you two met up at the school's gates, Yamaguchi decided to practice with Shimada-san so he won't be walking with you guys today, it was just you and him. 

There was a pregnant silence in the air as you two began walking back to your place. You thought of starting a conversation but stopped as your mouth opened mid-way before being able to make a sound. You didn't know what to say since you didn't know what was wrong. 

As you two entered your house, you began searching through your cabinets, asking what he wanted for dinner, making small talk, hoping to keep a conversation going. 

"What's wrong, are you alright Kei?" You asked calmly during dinner.

_No_

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine." 

_Shit, that came out wrong._

He thought as he spoke, words sounding sharp like knives as if you said something offensive when in reality, you're just worried. 

"oh, okay." 

You replied, your tone coming off accidentally cold. 

The rest of the evening was spent in silence as you two cleaned up and watched a movie, going to bed after the movie. You noticed that he didn't put his arms around you like he always does, you usually do it instead when he doesn't but you decided not to this time. Because there was a difference between those times and this, those other situations, you knew what was wrong, you knew that he wanted you close but now...now's different, and you know that. You both fell asleep a few minutes after turning off the nightlamps, backs facing each other. 

* * *

It was dark to say the least. Tsukishima stood up and realized that he was back home, at his house. He walked out of his room and heard water coming from the bathroom so he went there. He saw that the sink was overflowing and was causing the bathroom to flood, he walked over and tried to close it to no avail. He walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway. 

_What the..._

He was suddenly in the backyard. He turned around and was shocked to see a younger version of himself and Akiteru, sitting on the wooden floor. 

_Why now?_

The younger version of himself asked Akiteru what his position was on the team and his older brother said that he was the ace. The younger Tsukishima believed it wholeheartedly. 

Tsukishima decided not wanting to relive this moment again and walked back into the house. He was in the bleachers all of a sudden. 

"..."

He watched as he saw the light fade from his younger self's eyes as he saw Akiteru on the stands, eyes locking with his older brother. 

The scene suddenly cuts to you and him in his room, lying on his bed, his arms wrapped around your frame. 

"I love you" 

You said as you laid on his chest, his head resting on top of yours.

Suddenly he was outside now, it was sunny yet he felt cold. As if the world around him was vast darkness surrounded by nothingness. He turned around and he felt his heart sank as he froze at the sight. 

It was you but you were with another guy, both of you were holding paper bags as you laughed with him, showing him that kind of smile that you would only show to the blonde. Tsukishima followed the two of you as you began walking, you didn't seem to notice that he was following behind.

He knew that you weren't cheating on him and he wanted to stop following you but he can't, it's like his legs have minds of their own. 

As if in slow motion, your eyes widened as you turned around and saw Tsukishima. You locking eyes with him and he froze. 

"Tsukishima?" 

You asked and he wanted to run away at this point. He could see the hurt in your eyes and hear the disbelief in your voice as you said his name.

The scene changes again, this time it was the two of you at his home.

"What the hell Tsukishima? Why were you following us?" You asked, both of you just entered his house. He could sense the disappointment in your voice but anger was more prominent in it. 

He knew that what he did was unreasonable ~~he did have a reason but it won't make the situation any better if he does tell you~~ and he wanted to apologize but his lips moved on its own. 

"You know that I don't like it when people that like you romantically hang out with you, right?" It sounded so wrong and meant wrong too. You looked at him in disbelief. 

"Seriously? You know that he knows that we're together. Are you seriously doubting me?" You ran your hand through your hair in frustration as you look at him. 

_no_

Was what he wanted to say but his lips wouldn't move on his will, a few seconds have passed and you could only stare as he stayed silent. You got your answer. 

"After all these years, you still don't trust me. Don't you believe me?" You asked him incredulously. 

_I do, I do trust you..._

"Just because you've known someone for a long time doesn't mean you can believe them and their words." Tsukishima quipped back, knowing his words first hand. 

_No, that's not what I wanted to say, please let me speak-_

Tsukishima thought in panic as he was not in control of himself anymore, spewing words that he never meant to say at all. 

"For fucks sake Tsukishima, I'm not your bother." You growled at him, feeling hurt by his words. 

_I know-_

"I know you're not him. I believed him, and look at how that turned out!" He yelled out in anger. 

_please stop-_

"God Kei-" You sighed mid-sentence not knowing what to say at this point.

"It feels like we're running in circles, it's the same thing and...and I'm just tired." You said defeatedly as you just stared at him. 

_I know, I'm sorry. I'm really trying-_

"If you're tired ~~of me~~ then why don't you just _leave_?" 

Both of your eyes widen at his words. There was a short silence that followed and your eyes narrowed.

_wait-_

" **Fine.** " 

You turned on your heel and began walking your way to the door. Tsukishima tried to run after you but his feet were rooted to the ground.

_please move please move please move please move please move I'm begging you-_

The door slams shut as you left. 

He felt his mobility come back to him and he ran out of the door as soon as he could move. 

"y/n!" 

The blonde called out running through the street, knowing that you couldn't have gone that far.

Tsukishima ran block after block, it wasn't helping that he felt like his lungs were getting squeezed and his eyes were getting blurry as he continued running and calling out your name. 

"y/n!" 

The background fades into black as he ran, he stopped and looked around. Tsukishima felt cold even if he was wearing his hoodie as he stared at nothing. 

"Kei." 

He heard a voice call, he started walking towards it but it got farther as he tried to get closer. 

"Kei." 

It was you, he was sure of it. He ran and ran but he couldn't reach you. Tsukishima ended up collapsing, running out of energy, he tried getting up but he couldn't. 

"kei..." 

Your voice got quieter as it faded. Tsukishima panicked as he tried getting up once more to no avail, it was painful to even try. 

"y/n..." He called out, his voice sounding small compared to how he usually spoke. 

Nothing. 

You were gone.

It's cold, it's dark, and he's all alone. 

Tsukishima whimpered as he laid there in the pitch-black area, shaking as tears slowly fall.  His feet hurt, his chest hurts, he couldn't breathe as he cried, curling in on himself. His ears were ringing and he couldn't hear anything else but his own pathetic weeping.

"Come back please please please please please please please"

Words borderline insane as he begged while hiccuping sobs. He hears someone talking but their words fall on deaf ears as he tried to shield himself from the cold suffocating air.

* * *

Tsukishima sat up and he coughed, feeling the wind knocked out of him at the sudden motion. 

"Tsukishima?" 

You said, turning on a lamp to see him better. As you turned around to look at him, you were suddenly engulfed in an embrace to which you reciprocated. 

"I...I-"

"Shh, I'm here, take all the time you need." 

You whispered in his ear as he trembled and wept in your arms. It lasted like that for a few minutes. You held him and he held you tight, afraid that you'd dissipate into thin air if he dared to let go.

"What happened?" You asked softly after a few minutes, rubbing soothing circles on his back. The blonde stayed silent for a minute or two before he answered. 

"It was just a stupid and ~~not so~~ meaningless nightmare" Tsukishima flushed in shame at his own words.

"Tsukishima, it's not stupid nor meaningless if you're like this" You let go of the blonde and cupped his face with both of your hands, he leaned into the touch. 

"It is...Let's just go back to sleep, please?" He croaked, his was voice raspy and tears were still falling. He looked away, avoiding your gaze.

Tsukishima rarely said please, he'd usually say it to you if he thinks it's necessary.

"Tsukishima..." You sighed, you knew he needs to talk about this. You began retracting your hands and thought of getting him a glass of water, Tsukishima's eyes widen. 

** I'm just tired. **

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-" Tsukishima whispered repeatedly, holding your hands tight before you were able to remove them as his head kept on replaying those three words to him like a broken record. 

"Tsukishima?" You asked him cautiously as he began hyperventilating.

_I'm sorry. I know you're tired but please don't leave._

"I'm sorry-"

"What are you sorry for?"

You opted to hold him again but that might make the situation worse, so you decided to run your thumbs over his hands, creating circling motions.

"I know I'm not good at showing you that I care and that I can be difficult at timesbutpleasedon'tleaveI'mreallytryingsoplease-"

You weren't able to comprehend what he was saying due to how fast he was talking.

"Tsukishima-"

"Please don't give up on me"

Tsukishima interrupted and he was now gripping onto your arms for dear life as he choked down a sob. 

"Tsuki-"

"Please"

Silence. 

The room was surrounded by it and the only thing you could hear aside from that silence was his quiet sobbing. 

"Look at me"

He didn't want to. He thinks he doesn't deserve to. Tsukishima stared at the pale-colored bedsheet as if it was more interesting, tears staining it slowly. 

"Kei..."

You cooed softly, using someone's first name was something you don't do often. You got used to Japan's custom of acknowledging people that aren't related by blood by their family names.

"Why don't we lay down, is that okay with you?" 

After a few seconds, he nodded and you two were lying down on the bed, facing each other. He was trying to wipe the tears off his face with his sleeves, irritating his skin. 

You moved closer and leaned into him, stopping him from wiping his tears, resting your head on his chest as you wrapped your arms around him. You could feel how fast his heart was beating. 

"Why would you think I'd give up on you?" 

You asked a few minutes later after you felt him lean in your touch. Tsukishima only held you tighter as he contemplated on answering or not. 

"You...and the nightmare." He started fiddling with his thumbs, a habit he does when he's nervous. 

"What about it?" You calmly asked, making sure that you don't sound like you want him to hurry up because you don't. 

"You said you were tired...and you left." Tsukishima's words rang as you heard them. 

"I-"

"And then I tried going after you but you were gone, you left, you gave up on me and I was alone-"

"But I'm here right now. Nothing's gonna change that." You said softly but firm enough at the same time that eases some of the worries in his mind. 

"..." 

"You've been acting weird lately, how long have these nightmares been going on?" 

Of course you'd notice if he was acting unusual, he can fool a lot of people but he can't fool you. He knew that but he still tried, and look where that got him.

"A few weeks..." 

Tsukishima replied, you tried to remember anything that happened a few weeks ago that may have started this, then it clicked. A few weeks ago, the topic of Universities was brought up by one of your friends as you, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Yachi, Hinata, and Kageyama, ate lunch together on a school day. That was the day when Tsukishima said that you should go home without him, so you did since you thought of it as nothing more than the extra practice that they needed. 

"Is this about college?" 

He froze as you hit the bullseye. 

"Are you afraid of what could happen to us in the near future?" You knew he was, but you needed to hear it come from him. 

"Yeah" 

Tsukishima shakily answered.

"I'm afraid too" You admitted as you chuckled softly. 

"But..." You looked up to him and stared, his golden-brown eyes locking with yours. 

"I know we'll do what we can to make it work" He saw the determination in your eyes as you spoke.

_"What if-"_

"What if we can't make it work? What if I meet someone else who could be there for me?" You cut him off before he could say it 

"Honestly, I don't know." You answered truthfully, you knew that Tsukishima preferred the harsh truth rather than a comforting lie.

_Oh..._

"I can't promise you that we can or can't make it work. I'm not a clairvoyant after all." You smiled a bit before continuing, using your index finger, absently tracing random patterns on his chest. 

"I can't promise you tomorrow, the world's too uncertain for that. But what I can promise you is that even if someday, we go out and lose each other, I'll give you all my love, everything that I have and that I am now. So that if the day that I lose you does come, the only regret I'll have is not knowing what could've stopped it from happening." 

You didn't know you were crying until Tsukishima wiped away your tears with his thumb. The reality of it possibly being over was hitting harder than ever for both of you. 

"Then I'll give you everything now too. It's not much but I can only hope that it's enough."

Tsukishima whispered, making you lean on his chest as he rested his head on yours.

It's quiet again.

But no words were needed to be said this time, as you were in each other's arms. A simple reassurance that neither would be willing to give the other up that easily.

The two of you have different dreams, different career ideals, and different situations. You never knew that Tsukishima was this bothered about what the future may hold and truth be told, you were bothered too.

Both of you were afraid. 

You've gotten so used to him being there with you always and the fact that he may not be there one day...terrifies you. That one day you'll go and take different paths and may never cross ever again. 

Yet somehow, the thought of tomorrow wasn't scary as it should be. It was never easy and it never will be, but the thought of knowing that you're not the only one who's willing to hold on eased the two of you. 

Maybe, just maybe, there's no reason to be afraid after all.


End file.
